Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
