Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
