Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
