She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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