Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
