So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
