there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
