you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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