so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
