you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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