I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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