3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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