So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
