i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
