I bet he comes in French.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
