She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
im on a boat
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