If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
