i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
