i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
