I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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