I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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