life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
