lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
