He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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