i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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