new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
