i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
