I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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