i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
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the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
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I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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