I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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