why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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