Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
