They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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