It was confusing and full of hummus
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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