Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
