The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
