I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
