I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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