So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS