A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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