I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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