I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Randomize
