Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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