dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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