I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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