walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
