me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
