I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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