what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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