If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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