he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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