If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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