i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Holy sore nipples Batman
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
