Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
