Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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