I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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